Sometimes, I'm not entirely sure why I am here.

You can't just stay out of my life, can you.

It's been a while.

I just wanted to say.

That i don't understand.

I don't understand why I always have to be reminded of you in one form or another, knowing that you probably don't give a rat's ass about me, and I'm doing what I can to move on.

It doesn't help when the internet grows smaller and somehow you appear on my Dashboard even though this is someone whom I've been following for quite some time. Chance. Happenstance. And yet, there you are.

Even though I'm over here, and you're 4,000 or whatever miles away.

You got away from me.

So why can't I get away from you?

I'm not going to continue this post lest I begin to sound trite, bitter, and immature.


It's just ridiculously unfair.


It's like God is trying to mess with me. Or test me.

Knowing that you have moved on and are enjoying your life.

Ugh, Charamy. Be real already.

Transitions.

I know not many people read this blog, and most don't even realize it exists (not that anyone should, haha).

I began this blog as a place to write down about a road trip I took with some friends about a year ago--
I admit, I still want to pick up and leave one day, just spontaneously venture off. If there's one thing my friends know that I'm good for, it's adventuring~

I also wanted to write down about where I would be, and how life would end up.

However, this blog also ended up as a repository for certain feelings. I felt I could put them here because a) I needed an outlet (I have far, far too many. This blog isn't actually my main) and b) I figured no one would read them so there was no harm. So c) no, my life doesn't revolve around that one thing. It's just that this blog happened to. But, again, it is one of many.



Life is going to be taking a lot of twists and turns soon, and I have to make sure I'm ready for it.

I'm finally entering the real world and making something of my Master's degree.

I'm actually in the middle of applying to schools-- literally. (Haha, this is a display of my irresponsibility, I'm sure).

I'm not sure where I'll be. I'm not sure where I'll end up.

It's part of the journey of life.


And I suppose that's what is most important.


I just want to make the most of it.

So that's it, I'll leave you alone.

I know. I said that before.

But due to my ridiculous mind and being concerned about my health, etc...

For some reason I told you.


Now, I'm pretty sure all you want is to stay away from me and really,

we'll probably never see each other again.


And I mean that quite literally, not dramatically.


It's probably for the best.

"I'll talk to you later."

You don't want to talk to me. I understand.

I only ever cause problems for you, anyway.

Truth is, I know it's better also if we don't talk.

It's not worth it for me to talk to you.

Or vice versa.

That's why I never wanted to say anything.

And it seems that every time I try to contact you,
it's only because I'm having a problem.

It's not worth it for you to contact me because
I'm not one of those you need to keep in contact with
because all I ever bring is drama.


Good grief, look at me.

Wallowing in my self-pity and being depressing.

It's no wonder.


It's not worth it for either of us.

We clearly don't have anything to do with each other anymore.

I won't bother you anymore.

I wanted to spend time with you.
But I'm pretty sure I was the only one.

I wish that you would like to spend time as much as I did.

But I know better.

... sigh.

Burned Up.

We watched and waited

as the walls burned down around us

yet we still played with the embers.


You don't know everything.

You knew about what was written,

but not that all of it burned away.

I still think about you.

Funny, how we are.

Stupid and crazy.

Despite everything.

What are we trying to prove,
when it's all pointless?

Funny, how things worked out.

Rather, ended up.

Soon, you'll be gone,
and probably before me,
rather than what we'd thought.

I'll do my best not to say it to your face,
but all I would think of is how you're leaving me behind again.


I never thought any of that would happen again.

Especially after everything.

I'm sure neither of us did.

Seems like a common occurrence for us...

In any case...
As I said... (and as I know no one reads)...

Soon we'll both be gone from here,
and it won't even matter.

I have to stop deluding myself
into thinking that you need me
as much as I wish you would.

After everything,
that is something I need to accept.

Life goes on.

Reflections.

Sometimes I find myself in a rut
where I look back and wonder,
"What have I done with my life?"

I look forward to the time
where I can just sit and breathe
and reflect properly.

I've learned over the past years
what I do and don't want
and though I've made mistakes along the way
I'm still continuing to learn from them.

I got into an argument/discussion with my roommate
about teaching and I had to remind myself to keep an open mind,
that not many people would realize how teaching isn't easy,
and that I also realize how no profession is really that easy
and that we teachers don't get paid or treated the way we deserve.
Granted, she said, "I never said it was easy, but..."

In any case, I need to finish my work,
and go and live.

There is just so much I haven't done.

I love him.
I feel empty.

I know I need to finally get over this,
that he nor no other person can fill that hole,
that only I can.

But after all this time,
it only gets a lot more difficult.

I thought I was better about it today,
but I'm not.

Time heals all things,
but time also wore on for too long.

I pity everyone else reading these things,
because they're probably just waiting for me
to stop whining and start doing

...

I know no one sees this.

But seeing as to how I've written everywhere, I figure that I might as well add something here.

After five years,
and knowing that we wouldn't end up together,
that's exactly how it ended up.

And it hurts more than I think he realizes.
And even if he did, there's nothing he can do about it.
They're my feelings, I have to deal with them.

I know it's pretty foolish.
I should've done the right thing, never let him back into my life,
and I knew I was making so many mistakes.
I never should have followed my heart.

That and you think I would have moved on ages ago.

It's harder for me because I'm an idealist and can't just be black and white about it.
I can't just say, "Oh, we don't get along," and just nod, accept it, move on.

...

Clearly.

Five years. Who's stupid enough to feel that way about a person knowing it's never been fully reciprocated?
When everyone else knows you're investing far more than the other person?

And now it's pointless.
It's always been pointless.

He's going to move thousands of miles away
And I'll be moving, too.

I just wanted to be the one to say goodbye.
I'm tired of being left behind-- I don't care what he says.
It still pains me that way, and it would've hurt a lot less if I finally had that chance.
A chance which I had so many opportunities to take.
But, again, I was stupid enough to follow my heart.

Now I can't.
Now I have to just live and learn from it.
Another life lesson, which I knew from Day One of the past year that he re-entered my life.

Sure. I might be happier for it, and I'll look back at this and say,
"My, I wasted such time," etc...

But for right now (and yesterday) I don't care much for the logic of it.

It hurts. I felt like I was sinking into some kind of black hole yesterday.
Today is only little better. I also woke up with the worst crick in the neck.
Maybe it's there to distract me from the rest of the pain.
No, I'm not trying to be overly dramatic. Sigh.

I wish I had someone to talk to about all this who would be supportive.
Were it not close to the end of school and what with everything,
I would really like to talk to a psychiatrist-- I should've done that a year ago, for sure.

Should've, would've, could've... So what...
That's all in the past...

And I have to deal with what is here and now.

...

What have I done to myself.

I think that there is a lot I could say right now.

But that would be a lot. Too much, perhaps.

Everything is still very different.

And yet part of me has to fight so that it won't be the same.

And more or less, I'm not really sure what's going on anymore.

Just trying to go with life...

I have never felt so broken.

But I am managing.

This guilt.

This position.

Ugh.

I'm a terrible person.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed.

I need to focus on what is actually important.

I'm done wasting my time on you.
You don't even realize any of it.

There is so much inside of my head
That no one ever gets to see.

There is so much inside of my head
It's getting difficult to think.

Brevity of life.

Everything is getting very real for me, very quickly.

I've been praying like a madwoman.


There's a lot I could say, but...

If anyone does read this, or happen to stumble upon it somehow,
please pray for my grandmother.

Thank you. It means a lot.

I wish I had done the right thing a long time ago.
And turned you away.

Because now I have to look back
and see how I've wasted my time.

And yet somehow it's a lot harder to do the right thing now.

I just don't understand any of it.
I mean, I do. It's just very frustrating.

Here's to improving my life
and appreciating it a whole lot more
and treating it
and myself
better.

:)

I just want things to be better between us.

I wish that weren't such a difficult thing.

I can't be with you.

I don't want to be with you.

I have too much dignity.

And I can't take it anymore.

It's not worth it.

Well, I'm miserable.

It's funny because I'm actually trying

to write different things

in each blog.

Well, not on purpose.

It's just turning out that way.

But yeah.

Apparently, I need to fucking think.

And I'm sure if I explained it to anyone else,

they'd probably understand where I'm coming from.

But apparently

layers upon layers of thinking

is supposed to fix

everything.

Sometimes I wonder if you could be nice to me,
rather than being a dick.

Because honestly, it's much too early in the morning (okay, maybe not anymore),
but if I'd just gotten up I would have felt better if you were nicer.

I feel I deserve to be treated better.

I need to wake up.

Ch-ch-changes.

Somehow, I think a lot of things will be changing in my life very soon.

I'm not sure how to approach them, or what would be the "right" way,
or even, perhaps, if I have a right to do so. I think I might. Hmmm.

I'm intrigued, I'm excited, and most of all, I can't wait.

And I'm just ever so curious.

This might become my new blog.

Or, I'll end up somewhere else.

Either way,

I hope to find my niche,
I hope to have people that allow me to feel what I feel,
to be open with things,
and not be judged.

I know that it's a bit silly to project so many expectations
on someone who may or may not exist
prior to even meeting them

but I think that just details
the qualities I'd expect
in a man
which shows
my standards
I think.

Now that I look at it,
i think it's funny, that
people tell me to stop being so hard on myself

When sometimes, they're the ones judging me, too.



I can't help but wonder if anyone visits this anymore.

I think it's funny because I have far too many blogs as it is

But

I need to change a lot of things in my life.

Because this year will be different.

I will make it so.