Reflections.

Sometimes I find myself in a rut
where I look back and wonder,
"What have I done with my life?"

I look forward to the time
where I can just sit and breathe
and reflect properly.

I've learned over the past years
what I do and don't want
and though I've made mistakes along the way
I'm still continuing to learn from them.

I got into an argument/discussion with my roommate
about teaching and I had to remind myself to keep an open mind,
that not many people would realize how teaching isn't easy,
and that I also realize how no profession is really that easy
and that we teachers don't get paid or treated the way we deserve.
Granted, she said, "I never said it was easy, but..."

In any case, I need to finish my work,
and go and live.

There is just so much I haven't done.

I love him.
I feel empty.

I know I need to finally get over this,
that he nor no other person can fill that hole,
that only I can.

But after all this time,
it only gets a lot more difficult.

I thought I was better about it today,
but I'm not.

Time heals all things,
but time also wore on for too long.

I pity everyone else reading these things,
because they're probably just waiting for me
to stop whining and start doing

...

I know no one sees this.

But seeing as to how I've written everywhere, I figure that I might as well add something here.

After five years,
and knowing that we wouldn't end up together,
that's exactly how it ended up.

And it hurts more than I think he realizes.
And even if he did, there's nothing he can do about it.
They're my feelings, I have to deal with them.

I know it's pretty foolish.
I should've done the right thing, never let him back into my life,
and I knew I was making so many mistakes.
I never should have followed my heart.

That and you think I would have moved on ages ago.

It's harder for me because I'm an idealist and can't just be black and white about it.
I can't just say, "Oh, we don't get along," and just nod, accept it, move on.

...

Clearly.

Five years. Who's stupid enough to feel that way about a person knowing it's never been fully reciprocated?
When everyone else knows you're investing far more than the other person?

And now it's pointless.
It's always been pointless.

He's going to move thousands of miles away
And I'll be moving, too.

I just wanted to be the one to say goodbye.
I'm tired of being left behind-- I don't care what he says.
It still pains me that way, and it would've hurt a lot less if I finally had that chance.
A chance which I had so many opportunities to take.
But, again, I was stupid enough to follow my heart.

Now I can't.
Now I have to just live and learn from it.
Another life lesson, which I knew from Day One of the past year that he re-entered my life.

Sure. I might be happier for it, and I'll look back at this and say,
"My, I wasted such time," etc...

But for right now (and yesterday) I don't care much for the logic of it.

It hurts. I felt like I was sinking into some kind of black hole yesterday.
Today is only little better. I also woke up with the worst crick in the neck.
Maybe it's there to distract me from the rest of the pain.
No, I'm not trying to be overly dramatic. Sigh.

I wish I had someone to talk to about all this who would be supportive.
Were it not close to the end of school and what with everything,
I would really like to talk to a psychiatrist-- I should've done that a year ago, for sure.

Should've, would've, could've... So what...
That's all in the past...

And I have to deal with what is here and now.

...

What have I done to myself.